Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

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More from Dorothy Parker

My land is bare of chattering folk;
the clouds are low along the ridges,
and sweet’s the air with curly smoke,
from all my burning bridges.

Woman wants monogamy:
man delights in novelty.
Love is woman’s moon and sun;
man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?

I never thought I’d get here.

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying –
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

Women and elephants never forget.

"The Portable Dorothy Parker"