Explanations exist; they have existed for all times, for there is always an easy solution to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.

'The Divine Afflatus,' in the New York Evening Mail, November 15, 1917

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Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Prejudices, First Series (1919)

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

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Creator — A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

A Book of Burlesques‎ (1920)

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God’s children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the devil.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.