Wilson Mizner


Stop dying. Am trying to write a comedy.

Telegram to his brother, upon the news that Addison was fatally ill.

It’s getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

…a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.

Regarding Hollywood.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

I’ve known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

If you copy from one author, it’s plagiarism. If you copy from two, it’s research.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.