Stop dying. Am trying to write a comedy.
It’s getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.
…a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.
I’ve known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.
If you copy from one author, it’s plagiarism. If you copy from two, it’s research.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep.