Stop dying. Am trying to write a comedy.
It’s getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.
…a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
If you copy from one author, it’s plagiarism. If you copy from two, it’s research.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn’t been asleep.
I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll meet them on your way down.
A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.
I’ve known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.