Bill Hicks

Quotations

That is one of my big fears in life, that I’m gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I’ve been adding onto for years.

I’ll tell you, too, that’s starting to depress me about UFO’s, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they’re like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joad family or something. “Don’t you all want to land in New York, or L.A.?” “Nah, we just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some.” Oh, my God, they’re idiots. “We’re gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull!” My God, we’re being invaded by rednecks. My biggest fear. Last thing I want to see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know? Wouldn’t that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on it – “They’ll get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off of it.”

I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against drugs when they’ve got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, “This Bud’s for you.”

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thought, that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thought. Hmm. Sounds like…every commercial on television, doesn’t it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I’m not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, maybe that’s the connection they’re trying to make. What? You’ve all seen that Busch beer commercial, where the girl in the short hot pants opens the beer bottle on her belt buckle, leaves it there, and it foams over her hand and over the bottle and the voice over goes, “Get yourself a BUSCH.” Hmm. You know what that looks like, nah, no way.

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. “Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves… here’s Tom with the weather.”

I love talking about the Warren Commission, I love talking about the Kennedy assasination as well. The reason I do is because I’m fascinated by it. I’m fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that’s interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm – come on in. People say, “Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It’s a long time ago, just forget it.” I’m like, alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here, you know.

It’s just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

Relentless (stand-up comedy routine)

I don’t do drugs any more…than the average touring funk band.