How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. “Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves… here’s Tom with the weather.”

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More from Bill Hicks

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thought, that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thought. Hmm. Sounds like…every commercial on television, doesn’t it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I’m not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, maybe that’s the connection they’re trying to make. What? You’ve all seen that Busch beer commercial, where the girl in the short hot pants opens the beer bottle on her belt buckle, leaves it there, and it foams over her hand and over the bottle and the voice over goes, “Get yourself a BUSCH.” Hmm. You know what that looks like, nah, no way.

I love talking about the Warren Commission, I love talking about the Kennedy assasination as well. The reason I do is because I’m fascinated by it. I’m fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that’s interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm – come on in. People say, “Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It’s a long time ago, just forget it.” I’m like, alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here, you know.

It’s just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

Relentless (stand-up comedy routine)

I don’t do drugs any more…than the average touring funk band.