I always say God bless you. I never say bless you. I’m not the Lord, I can’t do that.

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More from Dane Cook

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! “Slip n’ Bleed from the anus” they shoulda called this ride.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That’s not funny.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!