I always say God bless you. I never say bless you. I’m not the Lord, I can’t do that.

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More from Dane Cook

Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! “Slip n’ Bleed from the anus” they shoulda called this ride.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That’s not funny.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!

I was thinking, “How can I be remembered?” and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis, even if it’s one on one with people. For example, the other day, I saw a young boy, and he was eating an ice cream cone, I ran up and I smashed it into his face, I leaned in, I go, “You remember me forever!” and I ran away.