Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! “Slip n’ Bleed from the anus” they shoulda called this ride.

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More from Dane Cook

I was being chased by a giant crab. That’s not funny.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!

I was thinking, “How can I be remembered?” and then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis, even if it’s one on one with people. For example, the other day, I saw a young boy, and he was eating an ice cream cone, I ran up and I smashed it into his face, I leaned in, I go, “You remember me forever!” and I ran away.

One thing that I’ve always wanted to do every since I was little, I’ve always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I’d just go hang out in the woods. I’m just waiting for that blue light. That’s how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that’s not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I’ll climb up, I’m interested. I’m here for YOU. Don’t suck me up by my chest, that hurts… you’re a hovering craft, why wouldn’t I come in and poke around for a minute?