I was being chased by a giant crab. That’s not funny.

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More from Dane Cook

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I always say God bless you. I never say bless you. I’m not the Lord, I can’t do that.

Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! “Slip n’ Bleed from the anus” they shoulda called this ride.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!