You know what I hate? Indian givers.
No, I take that back.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming…They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, “Didn’t I see you on television?”
I said, “I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.”
I was walking down the street. Something caught my eye…and dragged it fifteen feet.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas…
Judge: Emo Philips?
Judge: You’re Emo Philips.
Emo: Well why don’t you just keep adding a word until your brain explodes!
People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
I was driving down the highway, and I’m swerving all over, coz I’m trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, “Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!” Well, I shouldn’t make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me, “You call that a straight line?” Well, I should have said, I *should* have said, “Yes.” But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you’ll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brainwave.”
Women. You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry!”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Oh, yes…I’ve tried my hand at sex.
The toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to kill a loved one just because they’re the devil.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, “Get off me, you two!”
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
I went into Gus’s artificial organ and taco stand. I said “Give me a bladder por favor.”
The guy said “Is that to go?”
I said, “Well what else would I want it for?”
People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.
Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.