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More from Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

I was driving down the highway, and I’m swerving all over, coz I’m trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, “Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!” Well, I shouldn’t make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me, “You call that a straight line?” Well, I should have said, I *should* have said, “Yes.” But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you’ll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brainwave.”

Women. You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry!”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”