The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”

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More from Emo Philips

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

I was driving down the highway, and I’m swerving all over, coz I’m trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, “Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!” Well, I shouldn’t make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me, “You call that a straight line?” Well, I should have said, I *should* have said, “Yes.” But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you’ll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brainwave.”

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Women. You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.