I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

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More from Emo Philips

Judge: Emo?
Emo: Yes.
Judge: Emo Philips?
Emo: Yes.
Judge: You’re Emo Philips.
Emo: Well why don’t you just keep adding a word until your brain explodes!

People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

I was driving down the highway, and I’m swerving all over, coz I’m trying to change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, “Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo!” Well, I shouldn’t make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do, then he asks me, “You call that a straight line?” Well, I should have said, I *should* have said, “Yes.” But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you’ll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brainwave.”

Women. You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.