Groucho: Today on the show we have a man who has had seventeen children. Seventeen children! How could you possibly have seventeen children?
Man: Well, I guess I just really love my wife.
Groucho: Well, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Remember men, you are fighting for the lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.
Marriage is a wonderful institution…if, of course, you like living in an institution.
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind her is his wife.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.