Groucho Marx


Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind her is his wife.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho: Today on the show we have a man who has had seventeen children. Seventeen children! How could you possibly have seventeen children?
Man: Well, I guess I just really love my wife.
Groucho: Well, I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

You Bet Your Life (television)

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.