Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
My dad was the town drunk. Usually that’s not so bad, but New York City?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.
I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.