Henny Youngman


My dad was the town drunk. Usually that’s not so bad, but New York City?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.