Henny Youngman


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

My dad was the town drunk. Usually that’s not so bad, but New York City?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.