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More from Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Usually that’s not so bad, but New York City?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.

I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.