You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

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More from Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.