I can’t wait to get arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. “Do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” “Yes. You’re ugly. See that woman in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep goin’ or are you gonna ask me some questions?”
I once got pulled over and the cop said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that.” I said, “See this? This steers it.”
You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…what’s my mother going to do?
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
I put spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.
I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; “Help Wanted”, “Self Service”. So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.
I’ve been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest:
“You’re under arrest.”
“No I’m not.”
“You’re under arrest.”