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More from Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…what’s my mother going to do?

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.