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More from Steven Wright
I can’t wait to get arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. “Do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” “Yes. You’re ugly. See that woman in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep goin’ or are you gonna ask me some questions?”
viewI once got pulled over and the cop said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that.” I said, “See this? This steers it.”
You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.