When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

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More from Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.