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More from Steven Wright

I once got pulled over and the cop said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that.” I said, “See this? This steers it.”

You can’t have everything…where would you put it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.