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More from Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.

I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; “Help Wanted”, “Self Service”. So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.