I can’t wait to get arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. “Do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” “Yes. You’re ugly. See that woman in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep goin’ or are you gonna ask me some questions?”

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More from Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Depression is nothing but anger without enthusiasm.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”