My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

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More from Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

I put spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.

I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; “Help Wanted”, “Self Service”. So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.

I’ve been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest:
“You’re under arrest.”
“No I’m not.”
“You’re under arrest.”