My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

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More from Steven Wright

I put spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

I’m going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller.

I drove past a gas station the other day. There were two signs in the window; “Help Wanted”, “Self Service”. So, I went in and hired myself. Made myself the boss. I took all the money and I left.

I’ve been arrested lots of times. I was once arrested for resisting arrest:
“You’re under arrest.”
“No I’m not.”
“You’re under arrest.”

I can’t wait to get arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. “Do you promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” “Yes. You’re ugly. See that woman in the jury? I’d really like to sleep with her. Should I keep goin’ or are you gonna ask me some questions?”