I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

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More from Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…what’s my mother going to do?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.