I filled out an application that said, “In Case Of Emergency Notify”. I wrote “Doctor”…what’s my mother going to do?

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More from Steven Wright

You can’t have everything…where would you put it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.