Kaffee: It was oregano, Dave, it was ten dollars worth of oregano.
Spradling: Yeah, well your client thought it was marijuana.
Kaffee: My client’s a moron, that’s not against the law.
Kaffee: Commander, from what I understand, if this thing goes to court, they won’t need a lawyer, they’ll need a priest.
Jo: No. They’ll need a lawyer.
Jo: Tell your friend not to get cute down there. The marines in Guantanimo are fanatical.
Sam: About what?
Jo: About being marines.
Joe: I don’t think you’re fit to handle this defense.
Kaffee: You don’t even know me. Ordinarily it takes someone hours to discover I’m not fit to handle a defense.
Jo: You went to Harvard Law on a Navy scholarship, probably because that’s what your father wanted you to do, and now you’re just treading water for the three years you’ve gotta serve in the JAG Corps, just kinda layin’ low til you can get out and get a real job. And if that’s the situation, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. But my feeling is that if this case is handled in the same fast-food, slick-ass, Persian Bazaar manner with which you seem to handle everything else, something’s gonna get missed. And I wouldn’t be doing my job if I allowed Dawson and Downey to spend any more time in prison than absolutely necessary, because their attorney had pre-determined the path of least resistance.
Kaffee: Is this your signature?
Dawson: Yes sir.
Kaffee: You don’t have to call me sir. Is this your signature?
Downey: Sir, yes sir.
Kaffee: And you certainly don’t have to do it twice in one sentence.
Kaffee: The Government of the United States wants to charge you two with murder. You want me to go to the prosecutor with unit, corps, God, country?
Dawson: That’s our code, sir.
Kaffee: Have I done something to offend you?
Kendrick: No, I like all you Navy boys. Every time we’ve gotta go someplace and fight, you fellas always give us a ride.
Jo: Lieutenant Kendrick, do you think Santiago was murdered?
Kendrick: Commander, I believe in God, and in his son Jesus Christ, and because I do, I can say this: Private Santiago is dead and that’s a tragedy. But he’s dead because he had no code. He’s dead because he had no honor. And God was watching.
Sam: How do you feel about that theory?
Kaffee: Sounds good. Let’s move on.
Jessep: Maybe we as officers have a responsibility to this country to see that the men and women charged with its security are trained professionals. Yes. I’m certain I once read that somewhere. And now I’m thinking that your suggestion of transferring Santiago, while expeditious, and certainly painless, might not be in a manner of speaking, the American way. Santiago stays where he is. We’re gonna train the lad. You’re in charge, Jon. Santiago doesn’t make 4,6 – 4,6 on his next fitness report, I’m gonna blame you. Then I’m going to kill you.
Jessep: You can’t handle the truth. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.
Kaffee: Where’s my bat? I need my bat.
Jessep: You ever served in an infantry unit son?
Kaffee: No Sir.
Jessep: You ever served in a forward area unit?
Kaffee: No Sir.
Jessep: You ever put your life in another mans hands, and in return, asked him to put his life in yours?
Kaffee: No Sir.
Jessep: We follow orders, we follow orders or people die, it’s that simple. Are we clear?
Kaffee: Yes, Sir.
Jessep: Are we clear!
Col. Nathan Jessup: I run my unit they way I run my unit. You wanna investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast three hundred yards from four thousand Cubans trained to kill me. So don’t think for one second you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous.
Sam Weinberg: “I strenuously object?” Is that how it’s done? Hm? “Objection, your Honor!” “Overruled” “No, no. I STRENUOUSLY object.” “Oh! You strenuously object. Then I’ll take some time and reconsider.”
Sam: Why do you like them so much?
Jo: ‘Cause they stand on a wall, and they say “Nothing’s gonna hurt you tonight. Not on my watch.”
Kaffee: I’m sorry, your time’s run out, what do we have for the losers judge? Well for our defendants, it’s a lifetime in exotic Fort Leavenworth. And for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right… it’s a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Club School for Women. Thank you for playing “should or should we not, follow the advice of the galactically stupid?”
West: Joanne, why don’t you get yourself a cup of coffee?
Jo: Thank you, sir, I’m fine.
Joanne, I’d like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back.
Jo: Certainly, sir.
Kaffee: You gotta trust me, Sherby. You keep your eyes open, your chances of catching the ball increase by a factor of ten.