Jo: You went to Harvard Law on a Navy scholarship, probably because that’s what your father wanted you to do, and now you’re just treading water for the three years you’ve gotta serve in the JAG Corps, just kinda layin’ low til you can get out and get a real job. And if that’s the situation, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. But my feeling is that if this case is handled in the same fast-food, slick-ass, Persian Bazaar manner with which you seem to handle everything else, something’s gonna get missed. And I wouldn’t be doing my job if I allowed Dawson and Downey to spend any more time in prison than absolutely necessary, because their attorney had pre-determined the path of least resistance.

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Kaffee: I’m sorry, your time’s run out, what do we have for the losers judge? Well for our defendants, it’s a lifetime in exotic Fort Leavenworth. And for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right… it’s a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Club School for Women. Thank you for playing “should or should we not, follow the advice of the galactically stupid?”

West: Joanne, why don’t you get yourself a cup of coffee?
Jo: Thank you, sir, I’m fine.
Joanne, I’d like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back.
Jo: Certainly, sir.

Kaffee: You gotta trust me, Sherby. You keep your eyes open, your chances of catching the ball increase by a factor of ten.

Kaffee: It was oregano, Dave, it was ten dollars worth of oregano.
Spradling: Yeah, well your client thought it was marijuana.
Kaffee: My client’s a moron, that’s not against the law.

Kaffee: Commander, from what I understand, if this thing goes to court, they won’t need a lawyer, they’ll need a priest.
Jo: No. They’ll need a lawyer.