Jessep: You can’t handle the truth. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

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Kaffee: I’m sorry, your time’s run out, what do we have for the losers judge? Well for our defendants, it’s a lifetime in exotic Fort Leavenworth. And for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right… it’s a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, Lieutenant Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Club School for Women. Thank you for playing “should or should we not, follow the advice of the galactically stupid?”

West: Joanne, why don’t you get yourself a cup of coffee?
Jo: Thank you, sir, I’m fine.
Joanne, I’d like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back.
Jo: Certainly, sir.

Kaffee: You gotta trust me, Sherby. You keep your eyes open, your chances of catching the ball increase by a factor of ten.

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Spradling: Yeah, well your client thought it was marijuana.
Kaffee: My client’s a moron, that’s not against the law.

Kaffee: Commander, from what I understand, if this thing goes to court, they won’t need a lawyer, they’ll need a priest.
Jo: No. They’ll need a lawyer.