McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop smoking
(later)
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue
(later)
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop taking amphetamines.

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Captain Oveur: Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Reporter: What kind of plane is it?
Eugene: Well, it’s a really pretty white one with little round windows and it looks like a big tylenol!

McCroskey: What do you make out of this?
Eugene: This? I can make a hat, or a broach, or a teradactyl!
McCroskey: Gimme that!

Tom’s Wife: Tom never has two cups of coffee at home.