Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I’d be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!
Austin Powers: Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that’s it! You show that turd who’s boss.
Austin Powers: As long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!
Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy – the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn’t really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He’s quite wily like his old man.
Mustafa: You shot me! You shot me right in the arm and it really hurts!
Basil Exposition: The Cold War’s over, Austin.
Austin Powers: Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?
Austin Powers: There are only two things in this world that scare me and one is nuclear war.
Basil: What’s the other?
Austin Powers: Huh?
Basil: What’s the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil –
Dr. Evil: It’s Dr. Evil, I didn’t spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called “mister,” thank you very much.
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Scott: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin’ idiots?
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the worlds deadliest assassins.
Austin Powers: Shall we shag now or shall we shag later?
Dr. Evil: Right. Okay, people, you have to tell me these things, alright? I’ve been frozen for 30 years, okay? Throw me a freakin bone here. I’m the boss. Need the info.
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive “sh!” Now, I have a whole bag of “sh!” with your name on it.
Dr. Evil: Well, don’t look at me like I’m frickin’ Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Vanessa: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers: What’s your point, Vanessa?
Austin: It’s my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!*
(quote actually debuted in the Roger Ebert screenplay for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls)
Dr. Evil: When I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset… people die!
Dr Evil (singing): I love chicken, I love liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver.
Austin: There you are!
Las Vegas Tourist: Do I know you?
Austin: No, but that’s where you are, you’re there!
Dr. Evil: There’s nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking, really. I suggest you try it yourself.
Austin Powers: Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the nineties, Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars, they go from port to port.