Billy Madison


Veronica Vaughn: No milk will ever be our milk.

Maid: If you stay home, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy: I’ll go to school.

Billy: Wait a minute. What day is it?
Norm: October?
Billy: Nudie magazine day!!

Billy (to young student having difficulty reading): ta ta Tah-day, Junior!

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! (Notices gold swan on edge of tub) Stop looking at me, swan!

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

I drew the duck blue because I never have seen a blue duck and I want to see a blue duck.

Billy: Suntan lotion good for me. It protects me, tee hee hee. Sun is bad, Lotion good. (Squeezes bottle) Phft, phft, phfffnnnnnnnt! Smiley.

Billy: I will not make out with you! Mr. Chlorophyll up there is talking about God knows what and you want to make out with me!? Well I’m here to learn sister. (turning to teacher) Continue.

Billy: Okay Mr. Penguin. I’m gonna take you to the zoo where you’ll meet some nice people, they’ll treat you real respectable like.

Norm: (wakes up) H-Hey Billy I..? Where’s Billy at?
Friend: At school.
Norm: Oh, yeah.

Teacher: Who the hell would steal 32 lunches?

Billy: Hey sideburns, you want some of this milk?
Janitor. I’d rather have a beer.

Billy: There was something I was supposed to do today.
Norm: Drink five daiquiris?
Frank: He remembered to do that.

Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

Maid: I thought I was your snackpack!
Billy: What a weirdo!