Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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Maid: If you stay home, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy: I’ll go to school.

Billy: Wait a minute. What day is it?
Norm: October?
Billy: Nudie magazine day!!

Billy (to young student having difficulty reading): ta ta Tah-day, Junior!

Billy Madison: Shampoo is better! I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better! I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! (Notices gold swan on edge of tub) Stop looking at me, swan!

I drew the duck blue because I never have seen a blue duck and I want to see a blue duck.