Aaron: They told me they’d keep me because they could plug me into any story and my salary was in line.
Ernie: The cost-efficient reporter.
Aaron: So I quit.
Employee: You know, I’m just old enough to be flattered by the term “early retirement.”
Paul: That’s wonderful. What a lovely line. Now, if there’s anything I can do for you…
Employee: Well, I certainly hope you’ll die soon.
Jane: This conversation is not worthy of you!
Aaron: I’d give anything if that were true.
Aaron: Hey, if anything happens to me, you tell every woman I’ve ever gone out with that I was talking about her at the end. That way they’ll have to re-evaluate me.
Aaron: I just risked my life for a network that tests my face with focus groups. I don’t feel good.
Paul: Okay, that’s your opinion.
Jane: It’s not opinion.
Paul: You’re just absolutely right, and I’m absolutely wrong. It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you’re the smartest person in the room.
Jane: No, it’s awful.
Tom: What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
Aaron: Keep it to yourself.
Blair Litton: Except for socially, you’re my role model.
Aaron: Come on, no one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long red pointy tail. Come on, what’s he going to sound like?…I’m semi serious here. He will be attractive, he’ll be nice, and helpful, he’ll get a job where he influences a great God fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing, he’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing – he’ll just bit by little bit lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit. And he’ll talk about all of us really being salesman. And he’ll get all the great women.
Blair Litton: Oh, you think anyone who’s proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
Aaron Altman: No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their bosses buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.
Blair Litton: My gosh…and for a while there I was attracted to you.
Aaron Altman: Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!
Aaron: I think we have the kind of friendship were if I were the devil, you’d be the only one I would tell.
Tom Granick: It’s not that I’m down on myself. Trust me. I stink.
Aaron: At some point things got so bad it just became funny.
Aaron Altman: And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense…and it’s you.
Jane Craig: Oh, Bubba.
Aaron Altman: I’m going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who’s my friend and tell her about the one that I like so much.
Aaron Altman: Let’s never forget, we’re the real story, not them.
Aaron Altman: Wouldn’t this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?
Aaron Altman: I can sing while I read, I am singing and reading – both!
Aaron Altman: And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn’t be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you’ve been fighting against. And I’m in love with you. How do you like that? I buried the lead.
Aaron: Go ahead Steven, take your last licks. But this will heal. What I’m going to say never will. It’ll scar you forever. Ready? Here it is. You’ll never make more than $19,000 a year. Ha ha ha!
Steven: Take him.
Aaron: Okay, how about this? You’re never gonna leave South Boston and I’m gonna see the whole damn world. You’ll never know the pleasure of writing a priceless sentence. Or having an original thought. Think about it!
Steven: $19,000. Not bad!
Aaron: You’ve got to turn on your television right now. Arnold Schwarzenegger is on The Today Show, Good Morning America and the morning news – I think he’s live on two of them.
Jane: I have passed some line some place. I am beginning to repel people I am trying to seduce.
Aaron: He must been great looking, right?
Jane: Why do you say that?
Aaron: Because nobody invites a bad looking idiot to their bedroom.