Nancy: I’m late.
Nancy: I missed my period!
Nancy: I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from aisle eleven.
Phil: The ones on special?
Nancy: Yes. And it came up blue.
Arlene: Why is she telling you this, Phil?
Phil: Be-because I’m her boss. And we – we have a health plan!
Phil: If anything happens to him….I’m going after Barbara.
Arlene: You’re crazy!
Phil: That’s right! Not having sex for twelve years will do that to a person!
Mitch: Hey you now, the first time I try to talk to you, you embarrass me. So I tease you a little bit, which maybe I shouldn’t have done, so I’m sorry. But now you’re sitting over there with your knife trying to frighten me. Which…you’re doing a good job. But if you’re going to kill me, get on with it. If not, shut the hell up. I’m on vacation.
Arlene: I’m calling!
Phil: Go ahead call him, I’m sure he’s home. It’s his night to be home with the other escaped Nazis, isn’t it?
Arlene: I hate you!
Phil: I hate you more! If hate were people, I’d be China!
Curly: I just turned around and rode away.
Curly: I figured it wasn’t going to get any better than that.
Mitch: Yeah, but you could have been, you know, with her.
Curly: I’ve been with lots of women.
Mitch: Yeah, but, you know, she could have been the love of your life.
Curly: She is.
Barbara: I make you feel trapped.
Mitch: No you don’t, it’s not you.
Barbara: Well how do you think that makes me feel when I hear you say that?
Mitch: I didn’t mean you, it’s me. I – I just feel lost.
Bonnie: We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account.
Barbara: You don’t understand what I’m saying. I’m not saying it’s alright if you don’t want to come with us. I’m saying I don’t want you to come. Go away with Ed. Take Phil. I’m giving you these two weeks. It’s my present. Go and find your smile.
Mitch: What if I can’t?
Barbara: We’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
Phil: You’re right I suppose, I mean, I guess it is childish. But when I was about 18 and my dad and I couldn’t communicate about anything at all, we could still talk about baseball. Now that – that was real.
Ben: Hi, you guys guests here?
Mitch: Yeah, we just got in a minute ago. I’m Mitch Robbins.
Ed: Ed Furillo, I sell sporting goods.
Mitch: Show him your jacket.
Phil: Yeah, I’m Phil Berquist. I committed adultery. Lost my job and my family.
Mitch: His jacket’s being made.
Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.
Mitch: That’s it?
Cookie: What else is there? I got chicken burning.
Phil: You know, when I was alive I would have found her attractive.
Ed: No. A cowboy doesn’t leave his herd.
Phil: You are a sporting goods salesman!
Ed: Not today.
Clay Stone: That’s a good yahoo, son.
Mitch: You don’t even need at TV to record.
Phil: Then how would I watch it?
Ed: Would you stop! Stop already! He doesn’t get it. The cows could record something by now!
Clay Stone: You came out here city slickers, you’re gonna go home cowboys.
Mitch: Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Mitch: This guy is not normal. I’m telling you. Did you see his eyes? He’s got crazy eyes. He’s a lunatic. I’m telling you, we are goin into the wilderness being lead by a lunatic. He’s behind me, isn’t he?
Mitch: Sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.
Curly: I crap bigger than you.
Ed: You know what I think? Out there are all the answers.
Mitch: No, Ed, out there are cows. And plenty of them.
Mitch: Hi Curly. Kill anyone today?
Curly: Day ain’t over yet.
Ed: Let’s say all your life, for breakfast, you’re eating from a Kellogg’s variety pack.
Mitch: And a spaceship lands.
Ed: No. And then you don’t get the variety pack. You pick one. Your favorite one. And you just get that one from then on. Every day, for the rest of your life, the same cereal. And then you wake up one morning, and you’re just not hungry anymore.
Phil: You can’t get an erection!
Ed: Hey pal, I can get an erection any time I want. Watch.
Mitch: Ed, please don’t. Come on, leave the stallion in the corral, you’ll knock me into the fire.
Mitch: Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “what happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering “how come the kids don’t call?” By your eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call Mama. Any questions?
Phil: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. I have no life, we’re all agreed on that, right?
Ed and Mitch: Right.
Phil: Okay. And your big problem is that you’re married to this gorgeous underwear model who thinks the sun rises and sets in your pants, and that’s not enough for you?