Mitch: You don’t even need at TV to record.
Phil: Then how would I watch it?
Ed: Would you stop! Stop already! He doesn’t get it. The cows could record something by now!

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Phil: Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. I have no life, we’re all agreed on that, right?
Ed and Mitch: Right.
Phil: Okay. And your big problem is that you’re married to this gorgeous underwear model who thinks the sun rises and sets in your pants, and that’s not enough for you?

Nancy: I’m late.
Phil: What?
Nancy: I missed my period!
Mitch: Oops.
Phil: What?
Nancy: I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from aisle eleven.
Phil: The ones on special?
Nancy: Yes. And it came up blue.
Arlene: Why is she telling you this, Phil?
Phil: Be-because I’m her boss. And we – we have a health plan!

Phil: If anything happens to him….I’m going after Barbara.

Arlene: You’re crazy!
Phil: That’s right! Not having sex for twelve years will do that to a person!

Mitch: Hey you now, the first time I try to talk to you, you embarrass me. So I tease you a little bit, which maybe I shouldn’t have done, so I’m sorry. But now you’re sitting over there with your knife trying to frighten me. Which…you’re doing a good job. But if you’re going to kill me, get on with it. If not, shut the hell up. I’m on vacation.