Wadsworth: We’re like the mounties, we always get our man.
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?
Wadsworth: I can explain everything…
Cop: You don’t have to.
Wadsworth: I don’t?
Cop: No, there’s nothing illegal about any of this.
Wadsworth: Are you sure?
Cop: Of course, this is America!
Wadsworth: I see…
Cop: It’s a free country, don’t you know that?
Wadsworth: I didn’t know it was THAT free!
Mr. Green: Who would want to kill the cook?
Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn’t that bad.
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also dissapeared.
Mrs. White: But that was his job, he was an illusionist.
Wadsworth: But he never reappeared.
Mrs. White: He wasn’t a very good illusionist.
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Prof. Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: Well, your work has not changed.
Miss Scarlet: Why is the car stopped?
Professor Plum: It’s frightened.
Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I’m a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny.
Wadsworth: I am merely a humble butler.
Colonel Mustard: And what exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Singing Telgram: I am your singing telegram!
Colonel Mustard: Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
Miss Scarlet: Sure, I’ll eat anything.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable!
Colonel Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Wadsworth: You don’t need any help from me, sir.
Colonel Mustard: That’s right!
Mrs. White: He threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Miss Scarlet: Oh.
Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable.
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Colonel Mustard: There’s no need to shout!
Wadsworth: I’m not shouting! All right, I am, I’m shouting! I’m shouting! I’m shouting! I’m shout-
Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that!
Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn’t that enough?
Chief: The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
Miss Scarlet: You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.