Cher: So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday. I put R.S.V.P. ’cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen and rearrange some things we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty! Thank you very much.
Mel: What’s with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?
Cher: Do you prefer “fashion victim” or “ensembly challenged”?
Christian: Do you like Billie Holiday?
Cher: I love him!
Josh: You want to practice parking?
Cher: What’s the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
Cher: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees. Josh, why don’t you just hire a gardener?
Tai: Cher, you’re a virgin?
Cher: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Dion: Besides, the PC term is ‘Hymenally Challenged’.
Cher: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there’s no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion. You proud?
Mel: Honey, I couldn’t be happier than if they were based on real grades.
Heather: It’s just like Hamlet said, “To thine own self be true.”
Cher: Hamlet didn’t say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn’t say that. That Polonius guy did.
Dionne: Hello? There was a stop sign back there.
Cher: I totally paused.
Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.
Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress.
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein.
Cher: Searching for a boy in high school is like searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.
Cher: D, would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
Cher: This is a second notice for outstanding parking tickets. I don’t remember getting a first notice.
Mel: The ticket is the first notice!
Cher: If it’s a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
Elton: What’s seven times seven?
Cher: Stuff she knows!
Murray: Your friend Christian is a cakeboy!
Cher: A what?
Murray: He’s a disco-dancin’, Oscar Wilde readin’, Streisand ticket holdin’ friend of Dorothy. You know what I’m saying.
Cher: Nu-uh. No way.
Murray: He’s gay!
Dionne: He does like to shop Cher, and the boy can dress.
Tai: What am I listening to you for anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.
Josh: You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn’t ninety percent selfish, I’d die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that’d be reason enough for me.
Cher: I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness.
Cher: Hey, granola breath! You’ve got something on your chin.
Josh: I’m growing a goatee.
Cher: Hmmm. You don’t want to be the last one at the coffeehouse without chin pubes.
Cher: It’s like that book I read in the 9th grade that said “’tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people.”