Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one’s even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn’t sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that’s it.
Bethany: What’s the fine print?
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can’t wait to die.
Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they’re speaking to me. Or they’re talking to themselves.
Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse… even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal… both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn’t come to Earth to give us the willies… He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we’ve come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the “Catholicism WOW. ” campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you… The Buddy Christ. Now that’s not the sanctioned term we’re using for the symbol, just something we’ve been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn’t it… pop? Buddy Christ…
Loki: Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.
Loki: But you did not say “God bless you” when I sneezed.
Metatron: Anyone who isn’t dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.