Happy: If I saw myself in clothes like that…I’d have to kick my own ass.
Chubs: I was supposed to be on that tour.
Happy: Well, what happened?
Chubs: They wouldn’t let me play!
Happy: Aw, I’m sorry man…cause you’re black?
Chubs: Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off.
Grandma: Could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me get to sleep.
Nursing Home Attendant: You could trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up!
Happy: Step up, ladies and gentlemen, come see if you can out drive the golf ball…uhh…whacker guy.
Gary Potter: You gotta rise above it, you gotta harvest the good energy and block out the bad. Harvest energy, block bad. Feel the flow, feel it, it’s circular. Its like a carousel. You pay the quarter, you get on the horse, and you go up and down and around…in a circular circle with the music, the flow, all good things.
Happy: Yeah, yeah. Well, nice to meet you, but I gotta go golf…psycho.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck around?
Happy: Are you too good for your home? Answer me!
Happy: You’re gonna die clown!
Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Happy: Where you goin with those clubs, punk?
Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
Happy Gilmore: You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: I don’t want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!
Shooter: Don’t turn your back on me. Let’s get one thing straight, this is Shooter’s tour. I’ve worked hard my whole life, paid my dues, and now it’s Shooter’s turn. And Shooter’s not about to let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak, sideshow, clown.
Happy: Did you just call me a freak? I was on this tour for one reason: money. But, now I got a new reason: kickin’ your ass!
Shooter: Well, I’d like to see you try.
Happy: Let’s do it then!
Shooter: My G-. I meant on a golf course.
Virginia: Hey! Hey, what is going on here, huh?
Happy: Oh, I was just, um… lookin’ for the other half of this bottle. An’ uh, oh there’s some of it right, there’s some right there, too.
Virginia: Why don’t you just put it down.
Happy: Yeah, I know.
Shooter: You better stay away, or you’re gonna pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy: Why don’t we go down to the bay, we could eat some hay, make things out of clay, what do you say? I just may!
Happy: So you wanna go grab something to eat?
Virginia: Sorry, I don’t date golfers.
Happy: Well, that’s good cause I’m a hockey player.
Happy: Golfing requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant – huge ass.