Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Quotations

God: What are you doing now?
Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don’t. It’s just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.

French Knight: I unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window dresser. So, you think you could outclever us french folks with your silly, knees-bent, running-about, advancing behavior? I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy-leather, second-hand, electric donkey bottom biters.
King Arthur: In the name of the Lord, open this door!
French Knight: No chance english bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing; you tiny brained wipers of other peoples’ bottoms.

King of Swamp Castle: This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

King Arthur: Now stand aside worthy adversary.
Black Knight: ‘Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm’s off.
Black Knight: No it isn’t.
King Arthur: Well what’s that then?
Black Knight: I’ve had worse.

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it’s “sorry this” and “forgive me that” and “I’m not worthy”…

Arthur: On second thought , let’s not go to Camelot. ‘Tis a silly place.

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Bedevere: And how do you burn witches?
Crowd: With more witches!
Bedevere: No,no,no…And why do witches burn?
Peasant: Because…there made…of…wood?
Bedevere: Precisely, so how do we know if she’s made fo wood?
Peasant: Biuld a bridge out of her!
Bedevere: Ah, but can you also not build a bridge out of stone?

Galahad: Look, let me face the peril!
Lancelot: No, no, it’s much too perilous!

Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Peasant 1: Bread.
Peasant 2: Apples.
Peasant 3: Very small rocks.
Peasant 1: Cider.
Peasant 2: Grape gravy.
Peasant 1: Cherries.
Peasant 2: Mum
Peasant 3: Churches, churches.
Peasant 2: Lead, lead.
Arthur: A duck.

Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

Tim: Well he’s got huge sharp, eh, he can leap about, look at the bones!

Bedevere: What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant: Well she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: Burn her anyway!

Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Crowd: More witches!
Bedevere: No,no,no…why do witches burn?
Peasant: Because…there made…of…wood?
Bedevere: Precisely, so how do we know if she’s made fo wood?
Peasant: Biuld a bridge out of her!
Bedevere: Ah, but can you also not build a bridge out of stone?

French Knight: You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

French Knight: You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called “Arthur King,” you and all your silly English K-n-i-g-g-i-t-s.

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more–no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One…two…five!
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three!

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn’t vote for you!

Arthur: This new learning amazes me Sir Bedevere. Explain to me again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

French Soldier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Knights: We’re Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene’er we’re able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We’re Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, But Many times we’re given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We’re opera mad in Camelot. We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
Prisoner: [clap clap clap clap]
Knights: In war we’re tough and able, Quite indefatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable. It’s a busy life in Camelot.
Knight: I have to push the pram a lot.

Knights: We are the knights who say ‘Ni!’

Dennis: Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Bridgekeeper: Stop. What… is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What… is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What… is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel…