Veda: Daddy, how come that coffin is so small?
Harry: They come in all sizes, honey, just like shoes.
Vada: I’m going home.
Thomas J: Why? It’s not dinnertime yet.
Vada: Dinnertime? You’re like a dog. You just go home to eat. Don’t pee on the hydrant!
Veda: I only surround myself with people I find intellectually stimulating.
Vada: I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls. Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas I got them a camper and all they wanted to do was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn’t too upset when they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff.
Vada: Dad, I don’t want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate that my right. It can only mean one thing. Cancer. I’m dying.
Harry: Okay, Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.
Thomas J: Am not!
Vada: Bed wetter!
Thomas J: I stopped that!
Vada: I’m gonna marry Mr. Bixler.
Thomas J: You can’t marry a teacher, it’s against the law.
Vada: It is not.
Thomas J: Yes it is, ’cause then he’ll give you all A’s, and it won’t be fair.
Shelly: What’s that scent you’re wearing?
Henry: Old Spice. Phil says it’s a timeless classic.
Vada: Why do you think people want to get married?
Thomas J: When you get old, you just have to.