Andrew: She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking.
Peter: I believe I am what is commonly termed bisexual, which is by the by because actually I no longer sleep with men or women. But if I did, I promise you, you’d be right up there on my wish list, together with Michelle Pfeiffer and… River Phoenix.
Sarah: I just commit very early.
Andrew: Ladies and gentlemen, the self knowledge of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Vera: Best thing that ever happened, video.
Andrew: It’s like kindergarten, school, university, black hole.
Carol: Thank you very much for dinner, Peter. I enjoyed watching it.
Carol: Do you have any Equal?
Peter: I’m sorry, I’m famous for having no equal.
Carol: You know what I hate the most about being a public figure?
Carol: The public.
Andrew: We went down about as well as a turd souffle.
Maggie: Fill me with your little babies!
Andrew Benson: If there is a God, he takes very long lunches.
Sarah: It could have been worse.
Andrew: Yes, Sarah. It could have been worse. They could have attached electrodes to our genitals.
Peter: How long have you been married now?
Andrew: Almost three years.
Peter: Quite a long time for Hollywood, isn’t it?
Peter: Don’t you get some kind of a plaque?
Andrew: Yes. We stay together five years I get a free hair transplant and she gets a new set of breasts.
Peter: What, so she’ll have four?
Andrew: Yes, but her agent gets one.
Sarah: You’re probably going to be stuck with that Joan Collins impersonator for the rest of your life.
Andrew: You’re talking about the woman I almost love.
Andrew: And what’s all this then?
Peter: It’s called a pot-belly, Andrew. We have those in England, along with culture.
Sarah: I’ve never seen anyone wear more makeup! How does she take it off? With a chisel?
Peter: Oh, how can I put this delicately? It’s just that I’m not really in the vagina business.
Carol: Look at this armoire! Is it real?
Andrew: No, its imaginary!
Andrew: I think adults are just children who owe money.
Andrew: That’s still a good joke.
Peter: What is?
Andrew: I’ve never fallen in love. I’ve stepped in it a few times.