Peter: I believe I am what is commonly termed bisexual, which is by the by because actually I no longer sleep with men or women. But if I did, I promise you, you’d be right up there on my wish list, together with Michelle Pfeiffer and… River Phoenix.

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Peter: How long have you been married now?
Andrew: Almost three years.
Peter: Quite a long time for Hollywood, isn’t it?
Andrew: Yeah.
Peter: Don’t you get some kind of a plaque?
Andrew: Yes. We stay together five years I get a free hair transplant and she gets a new set of breasts.
Peter: What, so she’ll have four?
Andrew: Yes, but her agent gets one.

Sarah: You’re probably going to be stuck with that Joan Collins impersonator for the rest of your life.
Andrew: You’re talking about the woman I almost love.

Andrew: And what’s all this then?
Peter: It’s called a pot-belly, Andrew. We have those in England, along with culture.

Sarah: I’ve never seen anyone wear more makeup! How does she take it off? With a chisel?

Peter: Oh, how can I put this delicately? It’s just that I’m not really in the vagina business.