Charlie: I’m gonna let ya’ in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks.
Charlie: I’ll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I’m a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it’s almost all A’s so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.
Susanna: You took the car with no permission? Why?
Charlie: Because I deserved it! Nothing I did was ever good enough for this guy. Don’t you understand, We’re on Columbia Parkway, four kids, and we get pulled over.
Susanna: Accident? What is pulled over?
Charlie: You know, siren, police. Can I finish? Okay so we’re taken to jail. The other kids’ fathers bail them out, mine left me there for two days.
Susanna: He left you in prison for two days? Were you scared?
Dr. Bruner: Raymond, wouldn’t you feel more relaxed in your favorite K-Mart clothes?
Charlie: Tell him, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
Dr. Bruner: Oh, I see.
Raymond: Definitely not.
Susanna: But we can watch TV here, we’re allowed.
Raymond: Wheel Of Fortune. Look at the studio filled with glamorous merchandise. Fabulous and exciting bonus prizes. Thousands of dollars in cash. Over $150,000 just waiting to be won as we present our big bonanza of cash on Wheel Of Fortune.
Charlie: What you have to understand is, four days ago he was only my brother in name. And this morning we had pancakes.
Charlie: You read The Twelfth Night?
Raymond: I don’t know. V-E-R-N.
Charlie: You read MacBeth?
Charlie: So you read all these stories and you don’t know if you read the book?
Susanna: You use me, you use Raymond, you use everybody.
Charlie: Using Raymond? Hey Raymond, am I using you? Am I using you Raymond?
Charlie: Shut up! He is answering a question from a half hour ago!
Raymond: Of course you can’t have pancakes without maple syrup.
Charlie: You bet your butt.
Raymond: Bet your butt.
Charlie: He’s not crazy, he’s not retarded but he’s here.
Dr. Bruner: He’s an autistic savant. People like him used to be called idiot savants. There’s certain deficiencies, certain abilities that impairs him.
Charlie: So he’s retarded.
Dr. Bruner: Autistic. There’s certain routines, rituals that he follows.
Charlie: Rituals, I like that.
Dr. Bruner: The way he eats, sleeps, walks, talks, uses the bathroom. It’s all he has to protect himself. Any break from this routine leaves him terrified.
Raymond: ‘Course, three minutes to Wapner.
Charlie: You’ll make it.
Charlie: I’m gonna go take a celebration piss.
Raymond: 12:30 is lunch.
Charlie: What do you want?
Raymond: Wednesday is fish sticks. Green lime jello for dessert.
Charlie: You want another apple juice?
Raymond: No, orange soda. Uh oh, it’s 12:31.
Raymond: That’s my pen. That’s definitely my book.
Charlie: Well taking your book is not a serious injury!
Raymond: Serious injury book is a red book, that book is blue.
Charlie: Well forgive me, I’ve lost my secret decoder ring!
Raymond: 97X, bam! The future of rock ‘n’ roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock ‘n’ roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock ‘n’ roll.
Charlie: Ray, enough already! Change the channel.
Raymond: 97X, bam! The future of rock ‘n’ roll. 97X, bam! The future of rock ‘n’ roll.
Raymond: 82, 82, 82.
Charlie: 82 what?
Charlie: There’s a lot more than 82 toothpicks, Ray.
Raymond: 246 total.
Charlie: How many?
Sally Dibbs: 250.
Charlie: Pretty close.
Sally Dibbs: There’s four left in the box.
Raymond: It’s definitely very small in here.
Charlie: Small, and safe. Don’t wanna miss the party. You know that, there’s a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there’ll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there’s a party for you? Because you’re the $3,000,000 man.
Raymond: Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes.
Charlie: Ta da.
Raymond: Ha ha. Charlie Babbitt made a joke.
Charlie: Now casinos have house rules: they don’t like to lose. So you never show that you’re counting cards. That is the cardinal sin, Ray.
Raymond: Counting cards is bad.
Raymond: I like to drive slow on the driveway.
Charlie: If you get this right, Ray, you can drive anywhere you want as slow as you want.
Charlie: I’m sorry ma’am, I lied to you. I’m very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn’t get to watch ‘People’s Court’ in about 30 seconds, he’s gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.
Charlie: Hey, Ray, you take a shower right?
Charlie: Well the rain is a lot like the shower, you get a little wet. What do you say, Ray? What do you say?
Raymond: Of course the shower is in the bathroom.
Charlie: That’s the end of that conversation.
Raymond: Very shiny train.
Charlie: Yeah, sure is.
Doctor: Raymond, do you know what autistic is?
Doctor: You know that word?
Doctor: Are you autistic?
Raymond: I don’t think so. No. Definitely not.
Raymond: We have pepperoni pizza for dinner Monday nights.
Susanna: Pizza? You get pizza in an institution?
Raymond: Monday night is Italian night.
Charlie: When I was a little kid and I got scared, the Rain Man would come and sing to me.
Susanna: Rain what?
Charlie: Oh you know, one of those imaginary childhood friends.
Susanna: What happened to him?
Charlie: Nothing, I just grew up.
Susanna: Not so much.
Raymond: Of course I don’t have my underwear. I’m definitely not wearing my underwear.
Charlie: I gave you a fresh pair of mine to wear. Where are they?
Raymond: They’re in the pocket of my jacket. Here.
Charlie: I don’t want them back.
Raymond: These are not boxer shorts. Mine are boxer shorts. These are Hanes 32.
Charlie: Underwear is underwear, Ray.
Raymond: My boxer shorts have my name and it says Raymond.
Charlie: All right, when we pass the store, we’ll pick you up a pair of boxer shorts.
Raymond: I get my boxer shorts at K-Mart in Cincinatti.
Charlie: We’re not going back to Cincinatti, Ray, so don’t even start with that.