Susanna: You use me, you use Raymond, you use everybody.
Charlie: Using Raymond? Hey Raymond, am I using you? Am I using you Raymond?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Shut up! He is answering a question from a half hour ago!

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Charlie: I’ll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I’m a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it’s almost all A’s so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.
Susanna: You took the car with no permission? Why?
Charlie: Because I deserved it! Nothing I did was ever good enough for this guy. Don’t you understand, We’re on Columbia Parkway, four kids, and we get pulled over.
Susanna: Accident? What is pulled over?
Charlie: You know, siren, police. Can I finish? Okay so we’re taken to jail. The other kids’ fathers bail them out, mine left me there for two days.
Susanna: He left you in prison for two days? Were you scared?
Charlie: Yeah.

Dr. Bruner: Raymond, wouldn’t you feel more relaxed in your favorite K-Mart clothes?
Charlie: Tell him, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
Dr. Bruner: Oh, I see.

Raymond: Definitely not.
Susanna: But we can watch TV here, we’re allowed.
Raymond: Wheel Of Fortune. Look at the studio filled with glamorous merchandise. Fabulous and exciting bonus prizes. Thousands of dollars in cash. Over $150,000 just waiting to be won as we present our big bonanza of cash on Wheel Of Fortune.

Charlie: What you have to understand is, four days ago he was only my brother in name. And this morning we had pancakes.

Charlie: You read The Twelfth Night?
Raymond: I don’t know. V-E-R-N.
Charlie: You read MacBeth?
Raymond: Yes.
Charlie: So you read all these stories and you don’t know if you read the book?