Charlie: I’m gonna go take a celebration piss.

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Raymond: It’s definitely very small in here.
Charlie: Small, and safe. Don’t wanna miss the party. You know that, there’s a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there’ll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there’s a party for you? Because you’re the $3,000,000 man.

Charlie: Hey, Ray, you take a shower right?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Well the rain is a lot like the shower, you get a little wet. What do you say, Ray? What do you say?
Raymond: Of course the shower is in the bathroom.
Charlie: That’s the end of that conversation.

Raymond: Very shiny train.
Charlie: Yeah, sure is.

Charlie: I’m sorry ma’am, I lied to you. I’m very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn’t get to watch ‘People’s Court’ in about 30 seconds, he’s gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.

Raymond: We have pepperoni pizza for dinner Monday nights.
Susanna: Pizza? You get pizza in an institution?
Raymond: Monday night is Italian night.