Charlie: Hey, Ray, you take a shower right?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Well the rain is a lot like the shower, you get a little wet. What do you say, Ray? What do you say?
Raymond: Of course the shower is in the bathroom.
Charlie: That’s the end of that conversation.

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Charlie: Listen, Ray, our dad died, that means he’s not with us anymore. Did they tell you about that?
Raymond: I don’t know.
Charlie: You don’t know if they told you or you don’t know what death is?
Raymond: I don’t know.

Charlie: Ray, you’re never gonna solve it. It’s not a riddle because Who is on first base. That’s a joke, Ray, it’s comedy, but when you do it you’re not funny. You’re like the comedy of Abbott and Abbott.

Charlie: Ray, all airlines have crashed at one time or another, that doesn’t mean that they are not safe.
Raymond: QANTAS. QANTAS never crashed.
Charlie: QANTAS?
Raymond: Never crashed.
Charlie: Oh, that’s gonna do me a lot of good, because QANTAS doesn’t fly to Los Angeles out of Cincinnati. You have to get to Melbourne! Melbourne, Australia in order to get the plane that flies to Los Angeles!

Charlie: That’s amazing. He should work for NASA or something like that.
Doctor: Ray, if you had a dollar and you spent fifty cents, how much would you have left over?
Raymond: About seventy.
Doctor: Seventy cents?
Raymond: Seventy cents.
Charlie: So much for the NASA idea.
Raymond: K-Mart, we should go to K-Mart. 400 Oak Street.
Charlie: What did I tell you? After this!

Raymond: I’m an excellent driver.
Charlie: When did you drive?
Raymond: I drove slow on the driveway when my dad came to Walbrook.
Charlie: Was Dad in the car?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: I’ll have to let you drive sometime.