Charlie: You read The Twelfth Night?
Raymond: I don’t know. V-E-R-N.
Charlie: You read MacBeth?
Raymond: Yes.
Charlie: So you read all these stories and you don’t know if you read the book?

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Raymond: It’s definitely very small in here.
Charlie: Small, and safe. Don’t wanna miss the party. You know that, there’s a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there’ll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there’s a party for you? Because you’re the $3,000,000 man.

Raymond: Maple syrup is supposed to be on the table before the pancakes.
Charlie: Ray.
Raymond: Yeah?
Charlie: Ta da.
Raymond: Ha ha. Charlie Babbitt made a joke.

Raymond: Very shiny train.
Charlie: Yeah, sure is.

Charlie: I’m sorry ma’am, I lied to you. I’m very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn’t get to watch ‘People’s Court’ in about 30 seconds, he’s gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.

Charlie: Hey, Ray, you take a shower right?
Raymond: Yeah.
Charlie: Well the rain is a lot like the shower, you get a little wet. What do you say, Ray? What do you say?
Raymond: Of course the shower is in the bathroom.
Charlie: That’s the end of that conversation.