Lelaina: Why can’t things just go back to normal at the end of the half hour, like on the Brady Bunch?
Troy: Well, ’cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS.
Sammy: You got fired? I mean, that just screws up my whole idea of good and evil and God.
Vickie: Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.
Troy: One of these days I’m gonna wake up, before noon-
Lelaina: Yeah right.
Lelaina: He’s so cheesy, I can’t watch him without crackers.
Michael: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you, because excuse me if somebody doesn’t know the secret handshake with you.
Troy: There’s no secret handshake. There’s an IQ prerequisite, but there’s no secret handshake.
Vickie: Don’t Bogart that can, man…
Troy: Are you retarded?
Vickie: No, I’m rhyming. It’s not easy. Sure I make it look easy…
Troy: What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is… I don’t know.
Vickie: Do you ever wish you were a lesbian? Don’t you think it would be so much easier?
Lelaina: Sometimes, but I don’t know. I could never go through with it. I’d start laughing or something.
Vickie: That is such a shame because I have had it with men.
Vickie: Evian is naive spelled backward.
Troy: (answering the phone) Hello, you’ve reached the winter of our discontent.
Vicki: Ta da. We’re going to eat gas.
Vickie: Would the two of you just do it and get it over with? I’m starving!
Troy: I am the only real thing you have.
Troy Dyer: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?
Troy: He’s the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.
Lelaina Pierce: Are you religious?
Michael Grates: Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I’m, uh a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina Pierce: Hey, I’m a non-practicing virgin.
Troy: So what do you say, Lelaina?
Lelaina: I’m not a valedictorian but I play one on tv.
Troy: We all know you slept your way to the podium.
Vicky: My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy who’s been after my ass for years.
Vicky: It’s cool, Troy, you can stay. Welcome to the maxi-pad.
Sammy: Yeah, with new dry-weave it actually pulls moisture away from you.
Troy: If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder, I could solve the energy crisis.
Lelaina: Troy, aren’t you excited?
Troy: I’m bursting with fruit flavor.